A Day in the Life of Body Dysmorphia & Disordered Eating : A Short Story

My brain is running profusely through every scenario of every random thought while I senselessly numb my discomfort with taste,

I am completely immersed in the mind's experience.

I feel like I am in The Sunken Place; Out of control, observing the unconsciousness that abounds before me as I am doing it, I am solely a witness to the self sabotage.

After I re-obtain consciousness, the unconscious shame begins to reveal itself again, coming in stronger than it did last time it was here.

Time to sleep the shame away, I will deal with it in the morning.

_________

I wake up and try to breathe as the shame from the last meal overtakes me.

I get out of bed and pull up my shirt to look at my stomach. I analyze how it has changed and fluctuated overnight.

I see how my face looks a little chubbier. I wish I could go back to two days ago when I ate well, when I felt good, when I felt skinny.

I'll eat right today. Today is a new day. Today is the day I fix my eating habits.

_________

I fast until noon, then eat a very healthy, and light breakfast; Great, I still feel good inside, I don't want to ruin this feeling. This feeling of skinny. I am worthy this way.

Snack is an apple, and NO peanut butter with it this time because I don't need the extra fats.

I make sure I drink plenty of water so I don't eat as much. Actually, I'll drink lemon water so I can detox from the previous day.

I scroll through my Instagram feed. I make sure to follow fitness models and tons of healthy food recipe pages as inspiration. After I see their highly un-maintainable bodies and food recipes that I will never make, it’s time for a light lunch, with just a dash of shame on top.

"STOP!" the mind says frantically, “You are eating too much.” I need to get out of the kitchen to take my mind off of food.

_________

Dinner is approaching, and since I did well during the day, I can eat a little more for dinner.

But not too much.

I eat my dinner slowly to try and feel fuller, but I am still a little hungry, a dessert or snack won't hurt.

I watch T.V and try to read or do something to distract myself from the constant thought of food.

But the desire for taste and to feel something other than the discomfort of this unknown feeling that I am numbing is just too strong.

I'll just roam the kitchen and snack a little bit.

Well, I didn't eat that much so I'll just make another sandwich,

and why not the ice cream then too?

Fuck it. I have now eaten past my mind’s limited capacity for shame, I can finally just binge some more.

There is no way I am going to keep this food down, I need a quick fix. I know just the thing…

After the shame sets in a little more, I brush my teeth and then hop in bed.

_________

The shame has kicked in enough to where I now can start my daily stay up late and watch YouTube videos of other people successfully seeming to live a healthy lifestyle with an amazing body and consistent workout routine where they only show the good parts of their life and shit on myself for not being good enough pattern. I am unsure of what healthy actually looks like or means, as this is the only way I know:

From a place of shame within myself.

Now it’s time to go to bed and deal with this shame in the morning. I will do better tomorrow.

_________

I wake up, and try to breathe as the shame from the last meal starts to take over.

Today is a new day. Today is the day.