To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That is the Question

Forgiveness seems to be a controversial yet sensitive subject to speak about these days.

There's a stream of people saying that forgiveness is the only way to live a more fulfilling life, while the other half is saying that you can still live that fulfilling life without forgiving the other person that did the wrongdoing.

So, what the fuck are we supposed to do?

Well, it's quite variable upon the person and the situation, but first let's actually define forgiveness.

To forgive is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake (thanks Google.com).

Ok let's take that a step further.

When we forgive someone, we are letting go of the anger or resentment that we have held onto towards this other person. So essentially, we are basically just learning to let go of that anger and resentment for ourself, not for the other person.

Now, I have always heard "you forgive for yourself, not for the other person." The constant eyeroll I used to delegate to this statement was incessant because how am I just supposed to “forgive and forget” what the other person did? How is that all for myself? I couldn’t grasp this concept of how you forgive for yourself without placing the forgiveness upon the other person, until recently.

I truly realized and felt what this actually meant.

Let's talk from my experience shall we (Don't you love some tea?)?

So, if you are new here, welcome.

Second, if you are new here, then you don't know that I used to be in a throuple relationship (read about that here).

This relationship has inspired the most growth and pain from within myself, and the main reason why I am even writing this article on forgiveness.

Let's just say the breakup was not exactly an amicable split, it was actually quite traumatizing for me.

To make a very long, and complicated story short, two people that I had exerted so much energy into for over a year and a half and loved dearly, I felt just completely disposed of me like actual garbage. My body was in complete shock for weeks. My nerves had been shot.

After this traumatic breakup, I thought that surely they would send their apologies shortly after, because there was just no fucking way that they couldn't see the absolute pain that was placed upon me.

But as time went on, it was clear that this wasn’t exactly the case.

One month went by... nothing. This is when I was trying to pre-maturely forgive them and really empathize with their actions as a human, so that I could really work on moving on, but one thing about forgiveness is that you can't force it.

Two months went by.... still nothing from them, but actually had all of our mutual friends unfollow me on social media after I released my experience of being in a throuple article, so we had a little more spice added to it that time. I was left even more confused because I could not understand what the fuck they were possibly saying to everyone that I did. I could not comprehend how in the hell they would turn this situation and make themselves the victims... surely not.

After the third month went by, is when I started to learn to accept moving on without an apology, because this is when I started to realize that I may never actually get one or speak to them ever again. I had felt the anger, pain, and resentment come in stronger. I knew that all I could do was just focus even more on myself and stay busy prioritizing my needs.

As the fourth, fifth, and sixth month passed me by, I had already rebuilt another community and life for myself, yet the anger and resentment still remained, but lessened in intensity overtime. And instead of shaming myself for having it and not being able to feel like I could forgive them yet, I fucking owned and honored that shit. I was fucking angry, and I learned to channel that through my writing and other avenues, I wasn't afraid to say "they can go fuck themselves" anymore. I learned to be friends with my anger, and use it to my advantage.

I used it to enforce my boundaries unapologetically, to speak up immediately when I felt violated, to stand up for myself, to really integrate it within myself. I am sick of this fucking "angry woman" narrative, that an angry woman is not a pretty one.

Yeah, you can fuck right off. I could give two fucks less about being seen as pretty in this made-up, societal illusory fuck hole.

Now, using your anger to cause turmoil upon others is a different story, and allowing your anger to control you is not what I mean here.

There's a reason that 80% of autoimmune diseases are in woman instead of men. Woman are completely thrown into the emotional dumpster fire and expected to carry it with a smile on our face. It is causing us to literally become sick.

The fuck?

I remember my ex (thank god he's an ex) always spewing how being "angry" and "resentful" isn't good for our health. Specifically after a time I was speaking about my abusive brother, and he literally told me how I just need to forgive him already because being angry at him was “not good for me”…

No you ignorant asshole, it's not good for us to HOLD in that anger. It's not good to feel ashamed of feeling angry. That anger is telling us something. Of course it's not good to be a bitter bitch all the time, but knowing how to channel your anger and become friends with it is the secret.

Now there was a point where I could no longer be overtaken by the anger and resentment. It was not good for me to constantly pour energy into being angry and hating them 24/7. I wasn't integrating it properly, I was being controlled by it.

And that's when I finally understood the concept of forgiving for yourself and not the other person, it was time for me to work on letting that shit go, especially without an apology. I deserved to be at peace and begin loving this new life that I worked so hard to rebuild for myself.

So I did just that. I stopped waiting for this long overdue apology, or for me to start living my life again without this bitter burden of them on my shoulders, slowly but surely.

Then, after eight months, I finally received an apology.

After waiting, wishing, and hoping for this apology for so long, I had a new revelation for when it finally came.

I actually didn't give a fuck about it.

It was surreal seeing it initially, like holy fuck it's actually here.

Then I felt a little sad, then angry again. Then I had no feelings towards it, just ready to be done with this chapter.

After all of these months of pain, suffering, and healing, what the actual fuck is the apology going to do (a mid one at that)? I had already learned to move on without it, and at this point it was just another little bump in the road.

I wrote out a response in my notes app to just let out the rest of what I was feeling without sending it. I knew I wanted to sit on it for a few days to decide what I should say back, if anything.

I read my response and her apology over and over again.

The more I read it, the less I cared for it, and I realized another thing.

The apology made me truly grateful for where I was at in life. For the new people I have met, for the new memories I have made, for the new life I have created. I realized that I actually loved my life so much, that I did not even care to engage at all in this apology, as it truly did nothing for my energetic levels except bring them down.

I realized that I was finally fully ready to close this chapter, and forgive for myself.

I was ready to completely let go now. Finally ready let go of the anger, pain, and suffering that came from this relationship and breakup. I had allowed myself to really feel it all, and now it was time to release it.

And I think we all get one thing wrong with forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that I am sending absolute love and light to the other person and wish to see them again.

No.

It just means that I am ready to move on happily with my life, without them in it. For me. Not for them. I could care less how they are doing.

I realized that forgiveness has a different definition for everyone. Some people think forgiveness is wishing the other people well because you understand that the other person does not hold the awareness to understand their detriment, therefore to have empathy.

To me, forgiveness means working on letting go of all of the built up anger, and resentment you have towards the other person, only because you deserve happiness. Fuck the other person. I can still hold empathy and understanding for another persons actions, but this does not overlook the disrespect, or turmoil that has been placed upon me.

As C.S. Lewis famously says “I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

And with grief, like when you go through a breakup, or a loved one dies, or you feel betrayed, is always going to be there. You are not the same person as you were before no matter how hard you try to be, you learn to make space for the grief now.

You do not need to be sorry. You do not need to go back to the other person. You do not need to send the other person love and light if you don’t mean it.

You just need to love yourself more.