HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR SELF-DOUBT WITH THESE 4 STEPS

"You have a lot of self-doubt" my therapist would tell me after expressing how I would want to do something but I would need reassurance that it was a good idea.

She'd look at me bewildered and then reply "Okay? and what's wrong with that?" It was really the first major stepping stone to becoming aware of just how much I really held myself back.

It was my biggest block to manifesting, feeling worthy, and being in my own power.

I've had this block since I can even remember.

A little bit of background:

I was raised by a narcissistic mother who would consistently gaslight me to the point that I thought I was legitimately crazy. I could say that the sky is blue, and she could whole heartedly convince me that it wasn't, even if I clearly saw that it was blue.

I would literally get sat down by some family members and they would question me on my own sanity and why would I do things.

Anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist or grew up with one can relate to the absolute mindfuck that you are put through, that there is something so inherently wrong with you, in which is also where the shame wound forms.

I didn't really have friends growing up in elementary or middle school. Like literally had the teachers sit with me at lunch sometimes because they felt bad that I was sitting alone. When I did have a friend, they would eventually cut me off or find me "weird" and "embarrassing," so that's how I saw myself and began formulating these beliefs.

I was bullied in middle school and the friends that I did have, I was trying hard to impress or be like them so I could feel accepted.

I was constantly feeling like there is something wrong with me.

I was riddled with guilt, shame, and constant self-doubt for at least 25 years of my life. This inherent shame was the implant to my self doubt. Every decision didn't feel good enough, I was uneasy in every relationship I was in, I attracted people who I felt like I couldn't reallly be my true self without being ridiculed or laughed at or without feeling completely comfortable with who I am in a relationship, or those who would completely disrespect my boundaries. I would doubt myself when someone had a poor or reactive response to my boundaries, and I would question those boundaries and minimize them to make it seem like the boundary was too much anyways. I was constantly gaslighting myself.

Damn, I was not a good person to my own self. I treated myself like shit.

I have allowed people to make me feel like there is something so corrupt and broken within me. Like I am incapable of doing what is best for me. I have allowed people to make me question my OWN boundaries, wants and needs.

And this isn't their fault.

I've had OTHER people's criticism of themselves in my head and have mistaken it as my own my whole life.

People with consistent self-doubt typically have low self-esteem and low confidence, or they can appear to have ego confidence instead of true internal confidence.

They are easily manipulated, and can unconsciously internalize everything that they come across or read.

When I first started getting comfortable with my therapist and venting, I would talk in circles on something that I already knew how to do, but I needed validation that it was okay to do first.

For example, I wanted to write my mom an email on boundaries that needed to be set and release some feelings after finally having enough with the constant put downs and control that I felt she had over my emotional autonomy.

I realized that I am fucking tired of allowing her to feel in control of my feelings and question who i am.

I would tell my therapist that it feels like too much to do this and that I feel like I am being "extra".

“Who told you that stating your boundaries and expressing how you feel was being extra?” She would ask immediately.

She was right. I have allowed my feelings to be minimized or dismissed my whole life, that I was still adjusting to the reality of what it is like to validate them myself.

I slowly but surely began to stick with my authentic decisions and not have guilt or doubt after each one.

You see, self-doubt comes from feeling unworthy or not enough, and this is typically a conditioned core belief that our ego has unconsciously created to keep itself safe. The ego and our nervous system don't give two shits about feeling joy or at peace all the time, they only care about what feels familiar, or safe.

We doubt ourselves because we don't feel worthy enough. We don't feel like we are good enough. Our minds have been conditioned to think like this, it is not us who actually thought like this or believed it to be true.

Think about it. Do you really think you were born with self-doubt? or shame? or insecurities? HELL NAH. You have picked up these false beliefs and narratives from other people and societal standards, they are not YOU. And now you are in the process of deconditioning from everything that isn't you. We are born worthy. Not sure I have ever heard someone say that a fucking baby isn't worthy (yes, sigh** I know in some cases, it has happened, but typically, nah).

It's not your fault that you feel this way. However, It is only our responsibility to help change this narrative.

Don't worry, I've got some good ass tips to help you with this, you just have to be willing to implement them (I know I know, you actually have to do the work).

1. Shadow Work

If you don't know what shadow work is, it is essentially becoming aware of and healing the parts of ourselves that we deem "bad" and have hidden them consciously or unconsciously from ourselves in an attempt to keep ourselves safe from rejection or being left by others. This is essentially something that was ingrained from childhood, because we had to please our caregivers in order to survive. These traits can either be good or bad things that we have hidden about ourself.

Psychologist Carl Jung has said that any repression goes into the "shadow" and will show up through other people or situations, as a mirror for you to look at. The goal of shadow work is not to completely get rid of this part of yourself, but to integrate it into yourself and get more in touch with your own intuition.

For example, people pleasers like to think of themselves as selfless and kind, and they don't want to look at the part of themselves that is actually selfish and unkind, as they want to be seen as all good. Just because they have completely shoved this part of themselves into the shadow does not mean that it has vanished, it is still going to be there. It is up to them whether they want to bring it into a conscious light and reframe how they see these parts of themselves.

What feeling are you ignoring by stuffing your face with an entire pint of ice cream? Do you need comfort, but don't know how to ask for it, so your're using the cookies n cream to help with that feeling? Are you feeling lustful, shameful, angry, or any other uncomfortable emotion and self sabotaging because you feel guilty feeling these feelings?

Shadow work can help you to identify core wounds that have lead you to doubt yourself.

Get started by finding a therapist, or looking up Youtube videos on what it is and how to do it. Here's one that I really love by one of my favorite self-aware youtubers, Heidi Priebe.

2. Build that confidence bitchhh

I know you are already trying to work on being more confident on the outside; wearing better clothes, dressing up your style more, and that's dope! Now, let's add to that by realizing your own internal worth. Key word: REALIZING. Notice how I didn't say creating your own worth, ITS ALREADY THERE.

Ok so how do I do this?

Get to know yourself. Know what hurts you. Know your triggers. Know what makes you smile. What are you passionate about? What is something that you love? What makes you feel defensive? what are your values? Can you name 5 values of yours that you prioritize and live by?

Yes, ask yourself these questions, and start learning about yourself. That's where confidence comes from, cause once you know yourself, NOTHING can take that away from you. NO ONE can make you question yourself, because you already know who you are.

Journaling is a great start to learning more about yourself. And don't feel pressure to be perfect at it or try to have a certain technique. Literally just fucking word vomit on the paper or type it on the computer. Some of my entries look like this:

Today was weird. I am tired. I love my dog. what the literal fuck.

The end. It's about relaying whatever the fuck is on your mind. just unscramble those thoughts by writing them down. It helps, I promise.

3. Face your fears

self-doubt is rooted in fear. And in order to overcome these fears, you have to face them.

I know, I wish there was a better way, too, but fear is just a feeling and is illusory, and it's not a bad thing. There is always an underlying belief under this fear.

There is always a hidden message behind the fear.

Why do you fear starting your own blog? or releasing music? It's because you give a fuck what people think and don't want to face looking like a failure. You actually fear failure. But why? Because you could be humiliated? Or maybe you care too much about how others have identified you as? You already know what you want, it's the world who has convinced you that you don't know, or it's something that they put onto you.

One of my favorite quotes is

"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will" by Suzy Kassem. It's not failure that is keeping you behind, it is your own self doubt. Don't aim for perfection, aim for progression. Don't attach yourself to any outcome of what you desire. Accept that you WILL FAIL, but failing is not bad. Reframe this into failure gets you closer to success.

Don't try to do and be everything all at once, just start with one thing that scares you. I picked up a boxing class, and it was a little intimidating walking in and seeing everyone look like a total beast while you're struggling to even figure out one move. But I went in knowing that I didn't know anything, and I didn't act like I did. This is how you learn and overcome.

4. Be kind to your inner child/self

When we speak poorly about ourselves, we are also speaking poorly to that inner child that needed kindness and love. If you would not speak to your own child or friend like this, why are you doing it to yourself?

Realize that it is not really you who wants to talk to yourself like that, it is the subconscious mind that has picked up the habits and dialogue of others and the environment that they grew up in. These are not your true thoughts, and learning to become aware and catching yourself when thinking poorly is a practice. Your thoughts are like your ex, something that shouldn't be taken serious (i thought of that one myself, thank you. I thought it was clever, too).

I saw this technique somewhere (if anyone can name it and who thought of it, let me know), I think Heidi Preibe touched on it.

Think of your inner child as your actual child. When you see someone disrespecting your inner child by calling them names, or putting them down, what are you going to do? Just let them while your child sits through it? Or are you going to actually stand up for your child and not allow that behavior to continue to them ever again?

This technique has really helped me to begin actively healing the inner child and let her know that she is safe with me. It has helped me to set boundaries way easier without feeling like I am the unreasonable one.

I will not allow anyone to blatantly direspect her or make her intentionally feel uncomfortable. I want her to know she is safe with me, and she can trust me. That she should never allow others to make her doubt herself.

This is a process and technique that should be practiced consistently, and it gets to be second nature pretty quickly.

Also remember that the self-doubt will not instantly disappear once you try to incorporate these steps, but I can promise you that it won’t appear as much, and you will realize just how capable you are of overcoming it.